Drowning in Dispair

Guys, I have a confession to make. I've been really struggling lately with feeling completely down in the dumps. 

I woke up one day about a week ago and just felt...well, sad. About everything. 

I haven't had a steady full time job in months. I feel like I have no purpose or direction right now. Interview after interview, phone screen after phone screen. Nothing. This continued rejection really starts to wear on you after awhile. You feel hopeless, worn out, worthless. 

You start to question everything. "Am I not trying hard enough?", "Why won't they hire me?" "What did I do wrong?", "Did I say something I shouldn't have?"

Day after day, you wake up and feel this sense of heavy dread. You carry it around like a 90 pound weight, while you continually sink. You decline invitations to the movies, going for ice cream and everything in between because you feel guilty for spending a dime, when you know you have to save everything you have to live. 

Then that guilt gets to a point that you wake up and wonder what you are even doing with your life. You quit your day job to pursue your dream. You start second guessing everything you've done in the last six months that had led you to this point of choking. 

Welcome to hell.

There are days where I don't even want to get out of bed. I stay up late, worrying. I exhaust myself, torturing myself with my own anxieties to the point that when I finally crash for the night (or is it day?) I sleep for hours and wake up in a panic because I've overslept my day away. 

I throw on clothes, brush my teeth, apply deodorant and go and sit in front of the computer for hours writing and applying for jobs. Every day runs into the next and feels exactly as the one before. Repeat. Repeat again. Suffer the defeats over and over. 

I don't find joy in the little things I used to anymore. I feel like I'm re-evaluating my entire existence. I feel like a complete failure to everyone around me, so I distance myself to keep my garbage to me and me alone. I just go through the motions of life, but my heart and mind are just too heavy.

Somewhere along the way, I locked myself up and away from others because I don't want to feel like a burden to them. I went silent. 

Last night, I sat and thought for a long time after reading a book that dives deep into "Asking for Help" when you need it. That is something I have NEVER been good at and would easily score an "F" on if I were graded on this subject. My pride hurts just admitting that. I'm tearing up right now in shame, as a matter of fact writing this. 

This is life, this is real and this is my plain of non-existence. 

Today, something small happened. I woke up early, slammed some coffee, got dressed and put make up on. I refuse to let this situation get the best of me. I came to the computer and played five songs that have always uplifted my spirit when it was troubling me. Baby steps, ya'll. 

I had a video interview and a few hours later got the typical "Thanks but no thanks" email from the interviewer. For once, I didn't care. "Next!", I told myself as I was hit up by 3 more recruiters. This is the week I reclaim my mental state and get myself off this train of despair. I am not hopeless or helpless. 

My life has been filled with moments worse than this and I have survived them. I will not let myself succumb to a victim mentality. I am stronger than that.

I know someone reading this knows someone who could use a good writer, social media manager or trainer. I might be that person for them but I will not let this temporary situation ruin me or my family. If you know of someone who is looking, please send them my way. Until then, I'm just going to keep moving forward and climb out of this pit I have sat in for far too long. 

Please check on your family and friends who go quiet. This isn't normal. You might be the glimmer of hope that can move mountains for them and make a world of difference. Be that person for them because they need it more than you know.

Don't leave it up to us to put our hands up while we silently drown. It's very scary and lonely here. A life preserver will not be unappreciated.