How I Dropped an Almost 30 Year Old Burden

There’s not much I’m afraid of anymore.

For years, I have been carrying around a secret that had me filled with shame. I’ve been carrying this heavy burden of guilt since 1996 and last week, I decided to drop it and let it go.

I went to community college in 1996 and took two classes that added up to half time hours – French and Philosophy. At the same time, I was also working a full-time job in retail and trying to figure out being a young adult. It was Christmas in retail and a few days before my finals, my assistant store manager guilted me into working and covering the store. I never took my finals.

I’ve gone through life beating myself up because I graduated valedictorian from my private high school that I graduated from and had a fully paid four-year scholarship to any public college I wanted to attend. In a moment of feeling guilty for speaking up for myself, I caved, and my life changed.

Now, at 46, I’ve gone through my entire life looking at this wasted opportunity that I worked my ass off for. “Not good enough”, “Do more”, and similar thoughts have plagued my mind in the workforce because I felt like a complete failure. I went to college, but never even took my finals. Therefore, failing or getting an incomplete in both classes. I threw myself into overworking and always trying to go one step higher. I craved the validation from my bosses over the years to help me feel like I wasn’t less. That validation never came.

Last week, I was laid off and I’ve had to have some very hard conversations with myself and had to face some demons from the past of not having a degree that has hindered my career growth. I have gone through life with only a high school education.

I decided to look at going back to college and just get past this. What I didn’t realize was that was the bravest move I’ve ever made in my life – facing myself.

Part of the process is acquiring my previous transcript from the college that I quit myself on.

When the transcript arrived, I opened it up, letting out a “sigh” because I knew I was having to re-examine a very old wound of shame and failure. I was not ready for the secrets that this transcript held.

I fucking passed these classes. I had to look at that twice. I passed these classes with a C and D because of not taking my finals, but I fucking passed. My GPA sucks, but I fucking passed. I have been sitting on 11 hours towards a degree that I didn’t even know about because I was too afraid to face what I thought was going to be the truth of bad news.  

I have never been so happy in my entire life. This is forgiveness, hope, and healing and I’m not wasting this opportunity. I’ve enrolled to go back to college with my shitty GPA and to keep going, because that’s one thing we can do. I can keep going. We can keep going. It’s never too late.

Don’t quit you.