5 Things My Divorce Taught Me
While everyone’s situation is unique, these are just five things I learned from mine. My hope is that they bring comfort to a reader who needs to hear these words right now.
I was married at 25 and divorced at 33. My ex-husband and I were married for almost 7 years. During that time, we did things that typically married twenty something couples do together. We bought and sold cars, accumulated debt, moved in and out of apartments, built a house, changed jobs, had pets and and a baby. One day, everything changed.
There is not a winner in any divorce situation, even though I credit mine as being “the friendliest divorce in history”. Both sides lose — friends, family, sleep, finances, lifestyles, you name it.
This is not the end. I know it feels like it right now, but it truly isn’t. Change is very uncomfortable and I struggled horribly. I remember nights I would pick up my daughter from her new daycare and would go home to our new apartment and cry my eyes out over “not wanting to be a statistic” and the heavy burdens I felt for leaving a situation I no longer felt was right for ANY of us, ripping her from a school she loved to be among new caretakers, taking half of her toys so she’d still have some for the times she went to her dad’s, not knowing what to do with myself on the weekends she would go spend time with him, trying to balance this new life with work, being asked about it from everyone, moving through the divorce process. It was all just too much.
Every day was something new and every moment was something new. I was dealing with a whirlwind of both my daughters and my emotions but I was determined to make this new life work for us. Slowly, things started falling into place, because I had this little three year old as my inspiration. She was my guiding light. Her love, dependence and acceptance was my biggest motivator in pulling myself together for the sake of us.
2. I learned the true meanings of being humble and grateful. When I moved out of that house we built, we left with very little. We didn’t have a couch, TV, table or anything of the sort. I had two trays that we sat on the floor in the kitchen with and had a whole lot of “girls only picnics feasts” on. To my then three year old, that was fun. Instead of feeling sorry for myself for not having a kitchen table, I took my daughter’s sunshine stance on the situation and learned to let go of putting value into material possessions. Things don’t matter. They’re just things. Do they make lives easier and more convenient — sure. However, they were not the end all be all. She was.
Over time, we did accumulate our missing pieces. Was the couch we had the ugliest plaid you’d ever laid eyes on? You bet. I paid a friend $100 for it. But you know what? I was grateful for it. I threw a slip cover on it and over time, that living room really came together. It was truly ours and we built it slowly. I counted my blessings because I knew there were others who had a whole lot less than we did. When it was time to move out of that apartment and start another life, I gave that couch away, completely free with the slipcover, to another soul who found themselves in the same situation I had come from. I carry that lesson with me to this day to give where you can and help each other out. We are all in this thing called life together.
3. I learned it is possible to be friends with your ex. Over time, my ex-husband and I put away our petty bickering and actually became friends. I know some of you are re-reading that. Go ahead, I’ll be right here when the shock wears off.
Divorce doesn’t cease all contact. We had a child together and we had to learn to work together for her best interest. We both learned to communicate clearly and effectively with all matters pertaining to her and became better parents because of that. We actually get along really well. I’d go as far to say we get along better now than we did when we were married. We both know that although our lives moved in different directions, our daughter is the tie that binds. That tie doesn’t stop when she turns 18 and starts her own adult life journey. There will always be her life celebrations where she will want us at and neither want her to feel like she has to choose between us. There are graduations, birthdays, weddings, baby showers and things of that sort where she will want all of her parents at and we will be there, happily for her with zero negativity, drama or anything that will cause her to resent one or both of us.
4. I learned that you get what you give. Some are very quick to point out their “crazy ex” to me and I am quick to ask them “What did you do to drive them to that point?’ It always takes two and there is always his side, her side and the truth somewhere in the middle of everyone’s opinions. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of being hostile towards the ex. Divorce has such a nasty stigma and it truly doesn’t have to be ugly or any more difficult if you just do your part in treating each other with respect.
My ex husband and I work together around our hectic schedules to ensure that our daughter sees everyone. Why? Because it matters to both of us that she is happy and loved by everyone in her life — not just us. When you put someone else’s interests and needs above your own, good things happen. You become friends on social media, you become friends with each others new significant other on social media, you have their back and they have yours. It just works.
5. I learned that flying solo isn’t as bad as you think. It was odd at first and I didn’t really know what to do with myself. My apartment stayed immaculately clean and I re-discovered hobbies I had shelved. I began writing again for the first time in years, I tried new make up techniques, I listened to whole albums again, I laughed, I cried, I remembered. I re-connected with myself and for the first time, I truly learned who I was. I grew as a person and as a mom.
Those weekends alone helped shape me into the person I am today. I feel I am a better and more connected person because of all of it. It forced me to come face to face with some truths about myself, learn from it and move forward.
For those of you struggling with divorce, I wanted to offer my own insights. The struggle is a very real and very painful experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, even though mine was very amicable. There are always hopes where at times it only feels like emptiness. This is just the process of shaping you into becoming better. Trust the process.
