This is Going to Sting a Little

“Life is about the choices we make the moments we don’t see coming and the strength to do what’s best for ourselves despite how much it may hurt.” - Samantha King

I made a very tough decision recently. I quit something I absolutely loved and was passionate about. I know that probably doesn’t make a lot of sense to some of you reading this and I wanted to talk about it in the only safe space I know where to convey my feelings best – writing.

Have you ever wanted to belong somewhere so badly that you would do just about anything? I’ve been there and this experience wasn’t my first rodeo, unfortunately.

The first crashed and burned due to lack of integrity. I am driven by my integrity. When I uncover a situation that lacks that, I’m out. I don’t care who or what the situation is. Doing the right thing all the time is my choice and doing the right thing sometimes is other people’s. These two just don’t align because they’re not meant to.

I feel sad, angry but also yet a little unclear. It’s a little foggy right now. I feel like I just ripped a scab off a wound I thought was healed but apparently not quite. It still stings like a motherfucker.

I’m learning that sometimes when you give 110%, it just isn’t enough for some people. They don’t appreciate you or the talents you bring. The issue lies with them – these aren’t your people and I have to keep reminding myself of that over and over.

It looked like my people, it felt like my people, but when I found myself drowning in lack of direction and power plays, that is not a tribe I want to be part of. I want collaboration, being around others who have ambition yet are also humble. I keep reminding myself that I have that in other areas of my life and that is my safe space right now.

Today, I feel like Alice when she is crying in Tulgey Wood and says “I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it” until it cripples me and I am faced with making a hard decision – stay and play and live in being unhappy or put an end to the chaos. I chose the latter because I will not compromise on my morals.

So, why do I feel like this? Because it was a change I wasn’t expecting to make. It was the feeling of acceptance of “they don’t want you in their sandbox, so please remove yourself from it”. This was the case for quite sometime now, but it just took me this long to fully process that. I don’t want to continue to go where I’m not wanted.

Today is just hard but I also know that I’ll get through it. Sometimes you have to clear out a path to allow new things to find you.

Hey, new thing, I’m here and ready when you are.