It’s With a Heavy Heart and Even Heavier Mind…

If I said the past few months have been kind to me, I would be a liar. Sorry, I am not a liar. Things have been not been so good If I’m being totally honest here and this is my blog, called Ardently Angela, where I am honest and not trying to be anything other than just genuinely me. Let’s go on a journey of the current path of my life, shall we?

August brought in more changes than I anticipated. I started a job with an amazing company who truly values its employees. This is one area that I am counting my blessings every single day. It’s a privately held company where I get to do what I love to do with fellow creative minds - create content. I couldn’t be happier, but it also has me rearranging a lot of things in my life that I found were no longer bringing me joy.

Instead of waking up whenever I wanted, I actually have to go to bed by 9pm because I get up before the sun to sip coffee and watch the news - in bed of course. This is my solace and the only quiet time I get in my busy day. I’ve had to change things up in my daily wardrobe where I found myself exchanging vape shirts for button ups. Again, no complaints. It was just time.

I’ve been working from home most days and not really feeling up to much social media posting, either.

Why? Because I felt like I had just lost everything, you guys and everything made me ugly cry or get super angry after hours when I would think about the changes.

I am not in control of everything and that is something that my Type A personality really struggles with. I have to tell myself all the time, “Not my pig, not my farm.”

I let my anger get the best of me and I wiped away everything that I loved - my podcast, this blog, putting together a show outline for a YouTube show I loved and even quit freelancing for a coffee company that I’ve supported for years. I let it all burn, just like that. This is not like me at all and is honestly a more of a behavior I’ve witnessed from my husband more than a few times. But you know what..it felt kind of good. It felt needed.

From the ashes the phoenix will rise, but not before this one crashes and explodes first.

Yesterday was the first day I tried to drive into downtown Dallas to go into the office. I had a full blown panic attack on the way in and on the way out. I haven’t felt that kind of fear in years. Now, I know for certain my mental health is not in a good place because this is a trauma that has left its mark on my brain. It is my biggest sign that shit ain’t right. Guess what? It’s not.

I’m very sad. I’m grieving a whole lot of loss all at once. I feel like I am losing my friends, my identity as a creative body, my sense of self worth is in the garbage and I cannot even drive myself back and forth to work in bumper to bumper Dallas traffic, ya’ll. Things are not sunshine and kitty cats right now.

I know these feelings will not last forever and I keep telling myself that it’s just a phase, but it feels like forever when you’re sitting smack dab in the middle of it.

My poor, sweet husband. Nicholas, I know I am a real mess right now but I really appreciate all of your wonderful talks with me. He is the reason I put my website and blog back up. He encourages me every day to be my best and knows right now I am taking baby steps just trying to breathe.

I’ve received an amazing and kind gift from a friend in the mail that I have a great idea to incorporate, but simply just do not have the mental energy to bring myself to do it. For that, I am truly sorry and feel like I let him down.

Tonight, someone asked me to be on their Halloween YouTube show. Again, I had to decline because of the same reason - I am just not feeling it at all right now. I haven’t watched any of my YouTube friends since August because I just don’t have it in me right now.

There is a tattered and beaten white flag of surrender hanging outside my door that was once an area ruled by pirates. So, if it feels like I have been distant, I have been and please don’t take it personal. I love you (yes, you reading this) more than you could ever know. I’m just not my best self right now.