The Struggle
I see myself as a creative person. Sometimes though, I feel like I really struggle to create anything.
Even as I sit here, I feel like I’ve lost my zest for posting things I love whether it be writing something epic, launching the idea I have been mulling over for months now or even something as simple as a FaceBook or Instagram post. It all feels forced and lifeless right now.
Everyday feels like I just go through the motions of what I am “supposed to do” instead of having any downtime or stillness. In that quiet, I find what it is I truly want to do, say and feel.
Is this depression? I don’t think it is. I don’t really have anything to be depressed about, except for the fact that I crave this solitude, so I can find my creativity side and let it kick up into high gear. This is truly were I am as giddy as a school girl and have a million ideas – not just for myself but for others.
I do enjoy helping other people, but lately even that is taking a backseat. I feel like I truly give until the everything is empty. Everyone has their handout for their piece and I’m oh so tired of giving. I want to shout at the world sometimes like Mouth did in The Goonies when the kids stumble upon the wishing well, that “This was my dream!”, but what good will that do when no one can hear it? They’re too busy cashing in on that, which I gave freely from the wishing well. I’m not even merely a thought anymore.
Don’t misunderstand this context. I absolutely do not expect a hero to step in and help me accomplish my dreams and goals. That isn’t realistic, nor do I take stalk in others playing that part for me. It has always just been me. I am in charge of my life. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads and everywhere around me is dust gathering tumbleweeds for the eye to see for miles. That what being uninspired looks like inside my head. A big nothing. A barren place.
I feel like I am stranded in this ghost town until lightening strikes and ignites that fire within me. I know that fire well, but it has been gone for so long that all I see is this vacated landscape where everything is dry and desperate for life giving water.
I feel like big changes are coming but am just unsure of what they are or when they’ll arrive. But tonight, it starts here with being completely open and honest about the thoughts placating my mind. I feel stuck in this rut right now but am hopeful that it won’t last forever. Life never does.
